Jim Bunny Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

What's the gestation period for a ute?

Because I am sure they were procreating all night long Friday, and by mid-morning Saturday, the supermarket carpark was littered with their progeny.

Close to three dozen of them.

Five of them side-by-side. Looked like a car yard. Just needed a car salesman – greasy as a butcher's chopping block.

So why were all the utes at the supermarket? Why weren't they out doing what they were born to do? Blokey stuff – shooting, fishing, hunting, propping up egos, showing off?

Which segues to this witticism, or ute-icism, doing the rounds.

'As a ute driver, what size rims and tyres have you upgraded to so you can go get your groceries?”

Academic studies

Isn't as silly as it sounds. Because according to Auckland academic studies, 66 per cent of ute trips around town aren't purpose-specific…that is, utes are mostly used in ways they're not designed for, like taking the little darlings to school and supermarket shopping.

Ute-icism: 'Is a ute capable of being driven off-road or in gravel?

Maybe, but it seems its natural habitat is around cafes, supermarkets and malls.
My point exactly.

Ute-icism: 'Do you ever put your groceries in your ute? Nuh, the tray is for my ego, and the cab is for my bountiful masculinity. And pies and six packs of course.” Funny, but not funny. Because I watched a person pack one-and-a-half trollies of New World purchases in the tonneau or whatever it's called. The back seat compartment. The tray was empty.

Ute-icism: As a ute driver, what's the maximum number of carparks you've taken up in a busy supermarket carpark? Bonus points for more than three.”

Just some ‘ute' bravado I thought.

'It would be a giggle if it wasn't true,” remarked a car fiend friend. 'Aggressive, intimidating, arrogant self-entitled *#+!s.”

That's the attitude, he said, then there's the behaviour. 'Bloody tailgating, high beaming, just dangerous. Small cowboys with small schlongs on big horses.”

Let it all out, I told him. Vent your ‘ute' anger. It'll help you cope with your compact car syndrome.

Mind you I have been on the receiving end of some feral ute behaviour myself.

But I drive ‘grandad' – within the speed limit, and I stop for amber lights and people on crossings.

Why have ute drivers got a reputation?

Is it deserved? I ran it past a real, live, swaggering, baseball cap-and-sunnies wearing ute driver in the supermarket carpark.

'Pffft!” he snorted. 'It's truck envy. People who don't own a ute but would love to.”

Ute-icism: 'What's the top speed you have reached in your ute while towing a boat or trailer? 'I have no idea cos I usually have my mobile over the speedo while driving so I can watch hunting videos.”

That Auckland study concluded there's a lot of under-utilised ute capacity. And they're inefficient, hazardous and damaging for the environment.

Probably why the Government's clean car scheme taxes polluting vehicles like utes and uses that money to offer rebates on EVs.

Ute-icism: 'I paid a lot of money for this ute and I think it's highly disrespectful when someone in an EV tries to overtake me. Then I have to waste a lot of gas tailgating and high beaming them.”

And…

'Ute drivers are never overtaken. Next time someone tries to pass, give them a middle finger and put your damned foot down.”

Of course the opposition's bleating on behalf of its farmer mates, and the tradies – unfair! Unfair! Unfair! But if you can afford $80,000 plus for a flash family truck, you can probably afford to pay the taxes and feed the beast.

Ute-icism: How do you, as a ute driver with superior driving skills, express yourself when you see an EV subsidised with money the Government stole from you through its ute tax? 'I don't see EVs, I only see targets.”

It probably means you don't really want to be driving a Tesla down Takitimu Drive on a dark night and accidentally get sandwiched by a couple of angry utes.

Driver behaviour

Studies suggest driver behaviour changes when people get behind the wheel of a large vehicle. They tend to drive faster, more aggressively and take more risks. They're more detached from their environment because they're higher up. And they don't necessarily respond in the same way if they were more intimately connected to the space and people around them.

Ute-icisms: Every intersection becomes who dares wins for ute drivers.

And ….

Are you allowed to call yourself a ute driver if you haven't done 150km/hr on the wrong side of the road while towing a full trailer?

A friend went from chipper to snippy in a second when I mentioned utes. 'My Dad's got one and he's an a***hole driver.”

Perhaps he's always been that way or did it come with the ute?

'I just know if he wasn't my father, I wouldn't love him.”

Then another ute captain just about ruins this narrative. It's sale day at the Briscoes on Chapel St. It's man eats man. I am on a give way, but the ute captain, with his family aboard, slows and, with a friendly smile, waves me into the traffic. What the hell was I to do? They haven't yet written protocols for responding to courteous ute drivers.

Thoughts? Email: hunter@thesun.co.nz