Roger Rabbits with Jim Bunny

She was shaking her head and tut-tutting furiously.

“You’re going to cause trouble. I warn you. A lot of men are not going to be happy when they find the other half has been blabbing about them.”

So be it, because sometimes needs must. We all do things that irritate the hell out of wives and partners, and vice versa. And talking about it is good sport.

All this on the back of last week’s “icks” column – “icks” being behaviours that immediately turn us off a potential love interest. They might take a call from ‘mummy’ during the first dinner date, pick their nose or have hygiene issues. The sort of things that trigger the “rapid rejection mechanism” and kill the lerv before things heat up.

Today we share irritations. Irritations aren’t gamechangers like “icks”, they won’t break up marriages and relationships. Although they might have done had they manifested over time, had they popped their excruciatingly annoying little heads above the battlements before you wandered dubiously into the registry office. Try this for size.

The ‘dead horse’ 

Victim One loves dabbling in the kitchen. Cooking is a joy, not a chore. Sometimes a slap-up meal is hours in the making. It’s not just fuel, it is an artform. Not to hubby though. As is his form with every meal, he goes straight for the “dead horse”, the tomato sauce, and smothers the food so it looks like the floor of an abattoir. Barbarian, boor! “Why do I bother?” asks the chef. She says it’s both disheartening and irritating.

Victim Two is also a “gordon blue” chef. I can personally vouch. Her husband never offers an opinion on her elaborate, painstaking offerings until prompted. “It’s fine,” he always says. “Fine,” she reckons, is like saying the meal is “crap” without actually saying it’s “crap”.

“If everything’s fine why do I suddenly feel like punching someone or something? I wouldn’t but that’s what I feel.”

Another friend suggested she whip the meal from under his nose and demand a more meaningful response, something considered that reflects the love, the commitment, and the effort that has gone into its creation. Or cook meals that only just meet the “fine” threshold.

It’s a common grump from women. And, not surprisingly, they were very willing to share their stories.

‘Good’ 

When another victim asks for food feedback she always gets “good”. Just “good”. “Even the kids roll their eyes and tell him he should find another adjective. ”Good" – what the hell does that tell me?” Not much. But it certainly fires the irritation levels. That may mean you are experiencing stress or frustration in other areas of your life so you are more sensitive to the behaviours of others. And that’s NOT “good”.

Here’s some more blokey behaviour that gets under the skin.

In a magnanimous gesture towards shared household labour, Mr will offer to do the vacuuming. Ten minutes later after a couple of once-over-lightly circuits of the lounge and hallway, half the job is done and the vacuum goes strangely quiet. Mrs has to finish the job. “Why offer when you don’t intend to do it properly?”

Could have something to do with “weaponised incompetence”. That’s when someone, read blokes, deliberately show they’re a klutz, a goofball at performing certain tasks, causing others – read women – to step up and do the job instead.

Animal cunning

Could happen at work, but we’re talking at home, and it all leads to an entrenched imbalance of responsibility. I can sense women all over town are nodding their knowingness.

Men apparently use manipulative tactics, or animal cunning, to avoid stuff that is considered stereotypically feminine. Scrubbing dunnies, removing tidal marks from the bath, picking up the “darlings” from daycare, dusting, cooking. Do a good job and you will forever be burdened, muff it and you will forever be spared.

I read about the example of a woman asking her husband to cook dinner because she needs to change and feed the baby. He employs some weaponised incompetence by suggesting he is a bad cook and that his wife is much better at it. Because of his complaining she stops delegating altogether and does things herself. Look out for weaponised incompetence. It’s all around you. Like the husband who’s on the dinner dishes gig, and always leaves a couple of things in the sink. Irritates the hell out of the partner.

Disgusting! 

We save the worst for last and it’s a game-changer on every level. An irritation that’s also a full-blown “ick”. A warning to the squeamish, to the sensitive - fire up the water blaster, grab the Jif. A friend has a partner who disgorges the contents of his nose in the shower. His sons have perpetuated the practice. “I can hear them. They say it’s quite normal. It’s disgusting!” She refuses to clean that shower and has claimed sole, inviolable access rights to their second shower. “Ick!”