Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

I met Jesus this week.

At least he said he was Jesus.

It was one of those 'thank you god” moments, when I was concerned that I did not really have a topic for this week's column, when suddenly, as if from the heavens, the Lord offers me on a plate, a complete nutter.

He certainly looked like Jesus. Or at least the stereotype Jesus we've been brought up to expect Jesus to look like; though considerably more deranged than in the brochures. We've always been told the real JC is a pretty together sort of dude.

Here I was, minding my own business enjoying the serenity in a kayak down a river, as I do, absorbing the brilliant autumn weather, marvelling at the white-faced herons daintily strutting about the banks and watching a lazy trout oscillating, or whatever trout do, when they look like they are oscillating.

Guttural screaming pierced the serenity, echoing around the valley. It sounded like someone was being murdered. Maybe even crucified.

I considered calling 111 to report a serious assault. But was it?

As I cruised downstream, I realised I was close to a renowned commune on the river and there was a good chance I would find the shouter, probably naked, most likely from Europe, almost guaranteed to be wet and certainly off his tree on some sort of substance.

Imagine my un-surprise when I found a wet, naked, and probably substance-affected German on the riverbank shouting at the top of his lungs, professing to be Jesus.

This Jesus did not have a cloth covering his private parts. He was starkers. As the song says, only wearing a smile. As the wailing continued unintelligibly, I wanted to ask, 'John Banks, is that you?”

But as I got closer, I realised that this guy, though extremely weird, actually knew what he was doing, even if no-one else did. Besides, he had longer hair and a glimmer of intelligence behind the bloodshot eyes. That seemed to rule out Banksy.

He looked just like the shroud of Turin, except in 3D and standing on a river bank, howling. A sort of 'Ewen Gilmour gone nuts” look.

About now, the real Jesus is probably turning in his shroud.

Because this guy is breaking a fair number of commandments, including do not let thy naked thang hang loose alongside the riverbank... And do not scare the bejeezes out of unsuspecting kayakers. (little known commandments 11 and 12).

I ask him, in my most understanding (not) tone, 'what the f*** is wrong with you?”

And he replies in his best English, 'I am primeval”.
I suggested to him he's prime bonkers and ask if he's been on the Colville Ganga.

He says no, not for a few hours. Then checks his thumb and forefinger to make sure there isn't still a doobie between them, then continues roaring to the heavens, standing dripping on the riverbank in all his deranged nakedness.

It's about this time that I need a shot of bourbon.
Fortunately I am a well prepared kayaker… But even the soothing flows of the river putting miles behind me and the soothing flows of a JD cannot wash away the haunting image and sounds of a naked fruitloop JC on the riverbank.

It's an interesting commentary on the society that people snap and find they have to stand naked in the cool autumn water and wail at their own echoes to find some sort of primeval satisfaction in life.

Or maybe the rest of us have got it all wrong and it's time to cast off our shackles of society's expectations and go feral. You go first. Personally, I'll keep my primevals under the deck for now.

There's something very therapeutic about drifting along, fishing and hunting and watching the herons and trout doing their thing. I haven't felt the urge to stand naked, howling at my own echo. Maybe after a few more bourbons.

Disruption

How to lose friends and ruin any chance of garnering more support for your cause: hold a protest and block off a state highway for a couple of hours on a Saturday.

That's the proposal of locked-out Affco workers and unionists, in what must be the worst PR disaster plan of the year.

Just when they might have been gaining some community support for their plight, they kick the community in the goolies by planning to blockade SH2.

Disrupting the rest of the world, for what?

Least affected will be the real targets of their frustration: Affco management.

Most affected: ordinary citizens who cannot help their cause.

Headlines

Tougher penalties for gecko smugglers

Conservation Minister Kate Wilkinson has welcomed the conviction of an endangered gecko smuggler but says tougher penalties are needed.

German visitor Andreas Hahn was sentenced to a four month jail term in the after taking endangered geckos and attempting to smuggle them in his underpants.

'The actions of this man are appalling and a gross insult to all New Zealanders,” Ms Wilkinson says.

That's great, Kate… but when are you going to do something about the budgie smugglers?