It’s a topic no one ever wants to think about, but people are being urged to plan early for their parents’ care as they get older – and for their funerals.

New Zealand’s population is continuing to grow, Stats NZ estimated in 2022 that the number of people 65 years or older would hit 1 million by 2028, which would equate to one in every five New Zealanders.

With more of us getting older and living for longer, it also means more families working out how to care for their loved ones.

Esther Perriam is the director of the Eldernet Group, which runs a series of websites with advice to make life easier for people as they age.

She joined Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on this week’s episode of The Little Things to discuss what people need to be aware of – particularly those who will end up caring for a family member.

Esther says the options available to people vary depending on how much income they have.

“I think it’s a pretty hard thing for us to swallow because I think that, especially the older generations, we’re sort of told that the state will care for you from cradle to grave and everything will be fine and everything will be covered.

“But if you look at childcare, for example, the reality of it is we live in a more capitalist society now, where there are more options for those who have funds, which does result in a tiered system of care. And it is super challenging because a lot of people see older people as a real asset and a real valuable part of our community and they see that it is time for them to, perhaps, get back some of what they’ve put in.”

One aspect where costs vary is retirement homes. While there are plenty of them in New Zealand, there is only accommodation load for 14% of older New Zealanders, and for many it comes down to cost that keeps them out of facilities like that.

Costs don’t stop while you are still alive – after death can be an issue as well. Esther says there are ways to avoid feeling the impact of the cost of a funeral by pre-paying parts of it in advance, but noted “the average cost is over $20,000 for a funeral in New Zealand”.

Saving on cost can see families, particularly children, being drawn into caring for family, and Esther says it is key to ensure all parties are involved at the start of the process.

“If you’re going to have that discussion, have it with your older folk in the room as well, because they may not want to be cared for at home by you. They may think, ‘oh no, I don’t want my children performing personal cares for me’,” noting that concerns over dignity could come into that.

Esther says some people may age comfortably and only have a sharp decline at the end of their life, while people with dementia or another condition could have a long, slow decline, and it can be challenging for people to realise they can’t contribute as much to their parents care as they initially thought.

“Have the talk early, have it with all of the people who are concerned, but I don’t feel that you should pressure people to give more than they’re prepared to give, because bad caregivers are unwilling caregivers, and you do not want someone unwilling to be caring for your special person at the later stages of their life.

“They’re not going to be loving and careful when they’re doing transfers from beds into chairs, you know, they’ll be rough, not on purpose, but just, you know, their heart’s not in it. So they’re feeling obliged. People shouldn’t feel obliged. They should give care willingly and lovingly because that’s the best kind of care.”

Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more advice on what care options are available at different ages and stages, and advice for working through difficult transitions to care.

-NZ Herald