It is estimated about a quarter of New Zealand women have experienced violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

But people working with men to help them learn to lead lives without violence say there is hope for change. A Bay of Plenty man at “breaking point” after pushing his partner over says referring himself to one of those programmes changed his life. Aleyna Martinez reports.

The night Josh* pushed his partner to the ground in a drunken rage was the moment he realised he needed to get help.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever laid hands on my partner, she’s the mother of my children.”

The Bay of Plenty man referred himself to a living-without-violence programme and, despite his shame over what he did, is speaking out to encourage other men at risk of hurting their loved ones to ask for help – something that has changed his life.

Programme leaders in Rotorua and Tauranga who work to help men learn skills to curb violent tendencies say it is encouraging to see more men seeking support.

Police logged more than 1400 reported acts of violence towards a partner in the Bay of Plenty in the 12 months to October. But surveys have found most crime is not reported to police.

The 2022 New Zealand Crime and Victims survey found 24% of New Zealand woman have experienced intimate partner violence.

Violence brings families to a “precipice” and getting help is hard for some, says Josh (*whose real name has not been used to protect the privacy of his family).

He wanted men looking for ways to address family violence to know solutions were available and effective.

Josh, who is in his 50s, described the incident that started his therapy journey as a “breaking point”.

He said he and his long-term partner had been at a function then got into an argument back at home. He had been drinking.

“I lost my cool and I went and shoved her. I pushed her to the ground … she’s only a small thing and I lost my s**t.”

He immediately knew he had crossed a line.

He said police were called and they issued a safety order requiring him to leave home for 48 hours. He used the time to sober up and reflect before returning to talk to his partner.

“She was concerned that she’d be living with someone prone to domestic violence and … I could sympathise with that.”

Police recommended he look into domestic violence programmes. He Googled anger management courses and picked up the phone.

He found Suzi Marsh at Tauranga Living Without Violence.

Team leader at Tauranga Living Without Violence, Suzi Marsh. Photo / Supplied

A former Corrections worker, Marsh has developed a talent for working alongside perpetrators of family and sexual violence and helping them change. She has worked with serial rapists and abusers – a woman in a world of violent men.

Ultimately, she said she wanted to see an end to domestic violence, and no more victims suffering. But there was a long way to go.

Domestic violence referrals to the Tauranga programme increased by 73 last year compared with 2023, and included 22 men who self-referred to men’s non-violence programmes – a ratio the small agency considered encouraging.

Josh said he had to wait a few months due to the waitlist.

He felt wary at first because it was his first attempt at therapy or counselling, but committed to finishing the process.

“The counsellors aren’t judgmental, I don’t think anybody there is.

“The majority of the guys were sympathetic for each other’s situation, no one wanted to be in trouble,” Josh said.

He said the tools the programme gave him changed his life – starting with simply not talking over others.

“The counsellors insist that’s how we do things in our group ... everyone gets their turn.”

Connecting with other men who struggled with their temper was eye-opening.

He said he felt he was getting something out of each session, and his partner was happy he was trying to change his behaviour, so he stuck with it.

He said learning to communicate more effectively was like learning a new language – it took practice.

The 20-week course gave him so much that he said he would do it again if it would not mean taking “a space someone else might need”.

He was sharing his story in the hope it would grow awareness about domestic violence services and help “Suzi and her team continue doing the work that they’re doing … They’re absolutely invaluable to the community".

A career specialising in domestic violence

Marsh began her career at the Department of Corrections in Auckland more than 15 years ago.

“I’m thinking of a guy that I worked with who was a serial rapist and he had to come in for his reporting and things like that.

“The stuff he’d done was so horrific and awful to women, but yet, I thought he’s still got breath in his lungs, so there is still hope for change, and I will work with that.”

She co-ordinates the men’s non-violence programme at Tauranga Living Without Violence.

Marsh said women working in the sector could be misunderstood, and it was important to be aware “we are not teaching men how to be men”.

But there were benefits to having wāhine in that space.

“Men are having to re-navigate and renegotiate how they actually relate in a healthy way to a woman who’s in a professional capacity.

“For some men, that’s kind of the first time that they’ve encountered a woman they haven’t been able to … pretend to.

“We know what they’ve done, we can see it.”

She said factors such as the cost of living, work fatigue and running a household could all contribute to domestic violence, as well as unemployment, mental health and alcohol or drug use.

It was encouraging to see more men self-referring for help.

“It’s telling me that there’s a lot of brave men out in the community - it takes a lot of courage to be able to take that step and to own your stuff. That’s incredibly courageous,” she said.

She also credited “the rise of indigenous kaupapa” for the organisation’s progress. She said more access to te reo and cultural practices had a positive impact and contributed to long-lasting, holistic change.

Men who had completed the course were also recommending it to their whānau still experiencing family violence - another “good sign”, Marsh said.

Billy Macfarlane, founder of Rotorua based organisation Pūwhakamua, which provides pathways for men released to the community by the New Zealand Parole Board. Photo / Aleyna Martinez

‘A promise to myself’

Billy Macfarlane served time in prison for serious drug charges, but has turned his life around since his release in 2019.

He established Pūwhakamua, a Rotorua-based tikanga Māori reintegration service helping former offenders reintegrate into the community.

Macfarlane said Pūwhakamua was inspired by wānanga he’d done at the Northland Region Corrections Facility in Ngawha, which gave him access to Te Ao Māori and his heritage.

One month into that prison sentence, Macfarlane made a promise to himself to never go back to his old life.

“My knuckles have been broken from a life of violence,” he said.

“We created a space inside of the prison where we lived on ancient cultural values and our values were love and kindness.

“The men, a lot of them had come through trauma and family violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, all of these sort of things.

“Some of them had a whakapapa of violence,” Macfarlane said.

He said he didn’t live through abuse or family violence as a child but he still lacked a language of how to be non-violent.

“[My father] never gave me any skills to teach me how to step away from violence,” he said.

Macfarlane was focused on expanding his Pūwhakamua service to men across the country.

He estimated 80% of violent men in prisons wanted change.

“As Māori, all we hear here [in New Zealand] is we are warriors, we are killers.

“We kept saying, ‘well, we’re violent because we’re Māori because that’s what we learned'.”

But through a mentor Macfarlane said he learned about the history of his people. About how “our ancestors lived for 30,000 years before we came to New Zealand”.

“We learned we’re these beautiful people who never, never laid a hand on our women and children.”

Macfarlane said after a life of “just destroying my community” sharing what he had learned was a way he could give back.

• Pūwhakamua’s wait lists are currently full. It will consider new referrals from this month.
• You can call Tauranga Living Without Violence on 0800 577 003 or by email at info@tlwv.org.nz.

How to get help:

If you’re in danger now:

• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.
• Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you.
• Take the children with you. Don’t stop to get anything else.
• If you are being abused, remember it’s not your fault. Violence is never okay. Where to go for help or more information:
• Women’s Refuge: Crisis line - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7)
• Shine: Helpline - 0508 744 633 (available 24/7)
• It’s Not OK: Family violence information line - 0800 456 450
• Shakti: Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children.
• Crisis line - 0800 742 584 (available 24/7)
• Ministry of Justice: For information on family violence
• Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga: National Network of Family Violence Services
• White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men’s violence towards women.