Jim Bunny Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

'Outrageous!!” skrarked the Kakapo. Cos that's what Kakapo do when in a state of high dudgeon. They skrark. Onomatopoeic. Sounds as it reads, and skrark reads mean and nasty, aggressive and angry.

It's the sound you'd expect the Government would make when defending its farm fart tax to the Groundswell movement. And they'd be skrarking and farting into the wind for sure. But back to the issue.

Species discrimination

'Nothing short of species discrimination,” the Kakapo skrarked again, and almost gagging on his craw. 'We are a taonga, a national icon and we are being marginalised, devalued.”

So what's this short, fat, green parrot skrarking on about, 20 metres up his rimu tree on Codfish Island, 1200km, as the Kakapo flies, from the bottom of Devonport Rd. Erratum –cos Kakapo don't fly, they walk. But we digress.

'Some bird brain in Forest & Bird has arbitrarily decided that this bird has been excluded from the 2022 Bird of the Year competition,” says Kakapo.

Pardon? A lot of bird words there.

Kakapo calms, unruffles his tailfeathers, stops wobbling his wattle, inflates his thoracic air sac and booms his indignatio. 'Because we are twice-winners, two-time champions of the Bird of the Year competition; because we are cute and green, friendly and eminently loveable, we have been shut out, ostracised, banned. Well, ching to them!!” Ching cos that's what Kakapo do too…they make this high-pitched metallic 'ching” sound. And they also boom – a deep come-on to the sassy females waiting for love on the mountain ridges.

And kakapo's going through his full repertoire because he is pissed…'pissed”, as in agitated, irritated. He's skrarking, booming and chinging. 'Not only have they driven us to the brink of extinction, they're denying us another day in the sun.” Which is an odd thing for a Kakapo to want because they are nocturnal…

Ice cream

Kakapo uses ice cream to make his point…We, from Aotearoa, are the world's biggest consumer of ice cream – 28 litres per capita per year. I wonder who is smearing my share on their thighs and butts?

There's a competition to find the most popular ice cream flavour, but the winner won't be the actual winner. Hokey pokey will win, followed by chocolate and boysenberry. Ching!! But only because vanilla – which is far and away the world's most popular ice cream flavour – is excluded to give other fabulous under-flavours a fair lick of the cone.

All a bit extraneous really because Kakapo don't do ice cream. They're herbivorous, they like their rimu fruit, supplejack vines and orchid tubers. Perhaps they could shush the greens up with a few scoops of the indisputable global favourite?

'Imagine the All Blacks being excluded from the Rugby World Cup because they've won it five times? Let's get to know and love Namibia and Uruguay because they're fabulous under-teams.” Well that notion is all fluff and feathers and won't fly – a bit like the Kakapo really. 'And isn't a competition about taking on the champs and beating up on them?” Okay Kakapo, we get the idea little critically-endangered one.

Underbird scheme

From the level playing fields, from the inclusivity of Wellington, where the air space is controlled by manky, skanky, street pigeons, there is reason from Forest & Bird.

It's F&B's new ‘underbird' theme, raising the profiles of other, lesser-celebrated birds like the Southern dotterel, the Red Knot, and the Pīwauwau. 'There are some fabulous underbirds in the ballot,” says F&B.

'But we're underbirds as well,” says the little, critically-endangered one. 'There's only 252 of us left at last beak count. It smacks of new age kids sport, which is more about inclusion and participation, than the thrill of the kill. Bollocks and skrark to all that too!!”

So suggests Kakapo, ‘the ballot' is not a contest but a feel good, learn-to-love us promotion which should rightfully be called ‘Bird of the Year, Including some land Mammals maybe, but not Kakapo'. 'Bit of a crop full, but more accurate,” says Kakapo.

A new ballot

Meanwhile, in a macrocarpa tree at the foot of the Kaimai Range, there is avian anarchy and talk of a rebel ballot. ‘Immigrant Bird of the Year' suggests magpie to an audience of blackbirds, sparrows, chaffinches and assorted imports. 'We maybe exotics but we are an important and desirable part of New Zealand's biodiversity. Know us, celebrate us and love us too.”

So a new ballot, a new contest and new no-nonsense rules. 'No pampered, protected native species, no ‘fabulous underbirds', no birds that have featured on coins, banknotes, flags or coats of arms. No birds that fly all the way to Russia for the Northern Summer, and especially no nocturnal flightless birds with hairy feathers!”

Skrark, ching, boom to that!!

****Voting for Te Manu Rongonui o Te Tau - Bird of the Year 2022 closes this coming Monday, October 31. To vote, fly to: https://www.birdoftheyear.org.nz/

P2 fact: Voting for Bird of the Year 2022 is based on an instant runoff voting system, which is similar to the system used in New Zealand local elections. When you vote, you can rank up to five of your favourite birds, with number 1 indicating your favourite bird, number 2 indicating your second favourite bird, and so on. Source: https://www.birdoftheyear.org.nz/voting