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Roger Rabbits with |
“O jogo bonito!” said the The Doe. Pardon? “Futbol, le foot, football – o jogo bonito! The beautiful game.”
What on earth? “Edson Arantes do Nascimento – ‘Pele’, they’re his words.
“Football the beautiful game.’”
Pele could certainly play the game – a genius with both feet, a tower in the air, his name is uttered in the same breath as Maradona and Messi. But, the bucks and I would challenge his right to use the words ‘beautiful’ and soccer or football in the same sentence.
‘Beautiful’ suggests exciting aesthetic pleasure, or delighting the senses, or the mind.
But we reckon football’s just another ritual, rag tag, tribal skirmish involving a ball – like rugby or league. It doesn’t qualify to be called ‘beautiful’.
It just doesn’t.
Sheer unpredictability
“Now listen up you lop-eared lunkhead,” says The Doe from the depths of the sofa where, every day, she’s been intravenously feeding herself three hours of live FIFA Women’s World Cup TV games, replays and bits and bobs of highlights.
“There might not be a cast-iron globally accepted explanation for football being called ‘beautiful’,” says The Doe. “But it’s adored and beloved for its sheer unpredictability, its ability to unite people through the fanhood, and for being a visual spectacle. It’s not sport, it’s religion – and you can’t shake the faith. So beautiful on many levels.”
An estimated 270 million people in 200 countries play football. Billions more watch on TV. “Tell THEM football doesn’t tickle their senses; that the beautiful game falls short of what you perceive as something beautiful.”
Well…let’s try. The bucks reckon, and I agree, that beauty in sport is something like ‘the try from the end of the world’ at Eden Park in 1994. Philippe Saint-Andre gathers the ball 80 metres out, it passes through nine sets of hands and a ruck, and after a medley of draw and pass rugby and angled running lines Jean-Luc Sadourny scores to win the game for France right on time.
An All Black crowd is gut-shot.
Silenced. Beautiful!
But we don’t forget nor forgive, we will repay “avec intérêt” at the RWC come September. There’s a killer-blow forward pass that needs redressing too.
Four thousand people saw that Eden Park game in ‘94. “Not quite the 42,958 people who packed out the same venue for the see Portugal versus USA group game last week. “No New Zealand team, but a record football crowd for men or women in this country. A strong statement for the pulling power of the beautiful game.”
A book...
But 90 minutes of scorelessness? “A game of football is a book of many chapters,” explains The Doe. “And each chapter in this book was a thriller. The champions survive a huge scare from the decided underdogs, could have been one of the great tournament upsets with a late shot off the woodwork.
“A beautiful thing.”
Okay – what about the Olympic 100 metres? Surely it’s the most pure and beautiful of sporting events? The fastest man, or woman on the planet.
Incredible athleticism and intensity.
Less than a second for every 10 metres raced, and from a standing start.
“Elisha Lehmann” says The Doe.
What?
“You want beautiful. Well, Elisha Lehmann, the world’s hottest footballer, the most beautiful footballer in the world. She earn $300,000 a year with Aston Villa, plus sponsorships and endorsements. And a standard bearer for women in football.”
Is that relevant, or even appropriate?
What about Sugar Ray Leonard – now there was a thing of primal sporting beauty. Without question one of the greatest boxers in history. Blinding hand speed, dazzling foot-work, toughness and an eye for the kill. Like a wild animal hunting down its prey. All the basics with a unique dash of flair… his was a truly beautiful game!
What about cricket’s cover drive – that’s a thing of exquisite beauty. The control, the poise and placement required to execute makes the cover drive a thing of great elegance and beauty.
Think Virat Kohli, arguably the best exponent. That sharp crack when the ball hits the sweet spot of the bat and races away through cover for four.
Beautiful.
I sense I’m not getting traction here.
Eyes are rolling and Doe’s muttering penalty shootouts – another weird anomaly of the game of football.
A millimetre!
“Lost by a millimetre!” she exclaims after the USA/Sweden epic. “A heartbreaker. The magic and the cruelty of football. The ref decides the penalty wasn’t a goal, and the VAR over rules.”
The champions exit – Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ is blaring across the stadium for the triumphant Swedes and the US players are sobbing all the way to the airport. A beautiful boil over.
Mildly interesting I concede. Then would it be churlish to suggest just having the shootout. Forget the 90 minute palaver – the feigned injuries, time-wasting, post goal love-ins, bitching at the ref. Just turn penalty shootouts into a game in their own right. Quick and dirty. Imagine what Kerry Packer could have done with a World Series Soccer Shootout. Beautiful.
